By Adam Carlson
Published: June 23, 2010

Our great national panic can finally come to an end.

No, not the oil spill — screw the Gulf Coast, forget about the economy and don’t even think of mentioning the wars in the Middle East.

I’m talking about Sarah Palin’s breasts.

You heard right?

They’re real.

Drum roll, please.

Brace yourself for the collective sigh of relief — the light of the conservative party has not — I repeat, has not — stooped to plastic surgery.

This is contrary to a glut of rumors — all stemming from far-left liberals, one assumes — that popped-up following the appearance of a certain Tight White T-shirt Photo.

Though the mind wonders: if Palin had gotten a little boost, and if she’d stayed in office long enough to finish up her duly-elected term as governor of Alaska whilst under the knife, would she have written it off as a work expense?

“Boobgate is all over the Internet right now because there are a lot of bored, idle bloggers and journalists with nothing better to talk about,” our Lady of Wasilla confessed to Greta Van Susteren during a recent interview.

So does that classify me as a bored, idle journalist? Almost certainly.

But here’s the thing, Sarah —

Continue reading the June 23, 2010 article from the University of Georgia's Red And Black . . .

By Alan Gillis

Going to college could be a life-threatening experience or about the best thing that ever happened. Basically you decide. To steer through the obstacle course without crashing, check out your college newspaper online before you parachute in as a freshman. Don't jump to any fatal conclusions. The paper ergo the campus could be dull and stupid, urbane, sensible, stuffed with monkeys in suits, friendly, goofy or off the wall. Or all of the above. Resist the temptation, that you've blown it already: I'm in the wrong school! Wait, you'll find out later. Doesn't matter anyway, but looking around the paper and then the campus maze will give you some idea of what you can expect and the operating do's and don'ts you might have heard elsewhere like from your parents or your big brother.

Be prepared for confusion and stress, but don't take it seriously. Everybody's going through it. Under all the conflicting emotions, the good and bad decisions, is the classic 3-way student dilemma. In the struggle between social life, grades and growing-up, who's going to win? If you're a Young Republican or a Nerd, you've already made your choices. But you might get a second chance. Socializing and sex is the over-riding factor on any campus. Beer is also big. It's a juggling act where you're bound to break a few plates.


RIT left: “Keep ahead, don’t fall behind.” Brandon Nowakowski. RIT right: “If you’re ever invited to anything, accept it.” Ben Vanderberg.


If you want it all, you've got to work hard and play hard. Being young and hopefully in good physical shape with a working brain, you could pull it off, unlike mom and dad who've burned that bridge already. If you take their advice at face value you could wind up safe and sorry. If you don't you could flunk out or worse. If you can't resist temptation or you faked it in high school or just scraped through, then load up on Mickey Mouse courses your first year. And good luck.

Here's your crib sheet on surviving college from one of the best student newspapers anywhere, the Rochester Institute of Technology's Reporter. Thanks you guys.

Click on article title links to continue reading each Reporter story in full. Artwork and photos courtesy RIT Reporter. Mouse-over for credits. Thanks to Andy Rees, Editor-in-Chief; Artists Robert Modzelewski, Jamie Douglas; Photographers Mathew Woyak, Megan Rossman.

From the Reporter's RIT Orientation X-Files





The Man. The Heat. The Fuzz. The...Helper?


By Laura Mandanas

There’s no escape. Whether they’re busting your parties, nagging you not to ride your bike down the Quarter Mile, and/or plastering your only-semi-illegally parked car with hundreds of dollars worth in tickets, you’re going to run up against our campus law enforcers at some point in time. But it’s not all bad — in fact, there are a lot of really helpful things that Public Safety will do for you! . . .

Alan Gillis adds: Lock yourself out? Lost something? In trouble? Adopt a Public Safety Officer. It depends on your campus, but overall there are more security issues in city colleges than at a campus in the country. If you have any concerns, talk to campus security. If there are hot spots, places and times to avoid, they'll tell you. At some colleges you could get into trouble just by walking alone or leaving your frat house door open. Take the same precautions you would anyplace you don't know well. Some campuses have student services where volunteers will pick you up and drive you home or walk with you. You're alone, it's late, it's cold, you're stoned. Get help. If that doesn't work call campus security. Put them and your other emergency numbers on your speed dial.

Things you shouldn’t do but, if you do, try not to get caught

By Kimberly Reeb with Andy Rees

Stay away from anything illegal: drugs, guns, robbery, and so on.

In the words of RIT’s student conduct rules, “Students neither relinquish civil rights nor acquire additional rights by virtue of being within an academic community; they do, however, take on additional responsibilities.”

In the 2007-08 school year, the three most common Public Safety referrals to the SCO [Student Conduct Office] centered around alcohol, drugs, and theft.

Every incident has a different outcome but, unfortunately, freshmen are most likely to be the ones getting in trouble this year. The 2007-08 year had 1,297 incidences and 39 percent of them were committed by first year students. So have fun, but be smart. . .

Alan Gillis adds: If some misconduct like alcohol and drug use leads to a medical emergency, you have to seek medical help for yourself or anyone who is with you. Since there is some fear seeking help because of legal and other consequences, many institutions have a policy that forgives such misconduct. Check the rules at your own school. Find out what emergency medical facilities there are on your campus. At RIT if it's only alcohol-related, there's room for leniency.

Roommate Issues

By Jess Kopitz

For many incoming freshmen, the most exciting and daunting experience in college is living in the dorms. On the one hand, you get more freedom than ever before: No more curfews or questions about where you’re going and when you’ll be back. On the other hand, you are now living with a stranger. This is the real world and, with it, come rewards and drawbacks.

Living with another person in the same room can be taxing no matter how well you get along with them. The truth of the matter is that living in the dorms gives you little to no privacy. A typical dorm room will resemble something like a closet and sharing it with another person may seem like being asked to never change your underwear again: uncomfortable and even unhealthy. . .

A Guy's How-To: Getting Girls

By Michael Barbato

Making the First Move

If you’ve ever wished the girl you like would do all the work and ask you out, chances are she won’t. 85% of the girls I polled revealed they had never asked a guy out. Most girls won’t make the first move out of fear of being too forward or depriving her would-be suitor of his ‘manly’ prowess. Although it does happen, it isn’t very often, so it is vital to make that first move. . .

The Approach

If you’re still using generic pickup lines, I have some magical love potions I’d like to sell you. By the way, neither pick up lines nor love potions work! In fact, pickup lines will hurt your chances; according to the spry young ladies, pickup lines are the most irritating tactics a guy can employ. . .

Where to Approach

Watch out for girls in a hurry or busy. Don’t approach a girl when she’s on her way to class or if she’s waitressing at a crowded restaurant. Bars and clubs are well fielded and usually not the best environment to start. Be spontaneous. Approach her in an unexpected place. Go up to her at the library and notice her reading the book you just read or want to read and go from there. . .

Alan Gillis adds: Advice for women on getting guys? Perhaps it's a question that doesn't need any big answer. All any girl needs to do is Ask. Guys are like that. 95% of the time that's enough, but if you want more ideas you'll find thousands in Cosmo. Of course ask the right guy and don't come on to him in a tiny halter showing off your big belly over short shorts and fishnet hose in spikes or boots unless that's your usual style. Don't beg either. It's embarrassing for him too. If it doesn't work the first time, try another approach. Guys are dense. They're not expecting a hook-up on short notice, as it rarely happens anyway. When it does, some aren't sure. Are you a tease making the rounds? Does the guy think he's being setup for a dumb joke? Serious or is she going to change her mind before she takes off her socks? Some girlfriend's girlfriend testing him? So try again if you're serious.

If all else fails whatever your gender, you need to practice more. Too shy, too slow on the uptake? Need a mega ice breaker? After a string of disappointments, or some success with disaster relationships, you might want to try speed dating. You could find that you've been stuck on your wrong type. Here's a chance to try somebody different. Some campuses offer a free version that might work out. See the Reporter's interesting experiment with speed dating at RIT in the article below.

Speed dating

By Madeleine Villavicencio

Reporter expanded its brand name into the dating service business by holding our very own invitation-only speed dating event. For this experiment, 18 hopeful singles piled into room 1829 in the Student Alumni Union (SAU) that evening, looking for a match. The night began with the consumption of snacks and refreshments — the Ritz Bits cheese sandwiches were a favorite — as the music of Tiger Idol finalists drifted through the walls of the neighboring Ingle Auditorium, doubling as entertainment for the night. At the same time, participants registered and left contact information with the assigned staff. . .

With speed dating, your options cover a wider range of people. Because of its random nature, you will probably meet at least one person you never would have walked up to at a party. . .

It isn’t just the quantitative data collected that’s interesting. If you take a look at the match sheets themselves, you start to notice a few things. More than half of the women’s sheets had multiple erasures, meaning they are more likely to change their minds more than once. Men, on the other hand, were more likely to avoid the decision all together by leaving boxes on their sheets blank. In addition, guys are more likely to vote “yes” [for a follow-up date] while girls are more likely to vote “no.” Some marks were darker than others, possibly indicating a greater intensity of like or dislike. . .

Alan Gillis adds: Nothing works? Buy a car. Make it available. Drive people around anywhere anytime. Right away you're scoring points big time. No car? Then find your own car guy. Find out how in the article below.

Triple P: How to Mooch a Ride

By Alex Salsberg

Hello, freshmen! You are currently enjoying the best moments of college. You like all your nveighbors (in three weeks your floor will be severely cliquey and probably on fire), and you are not yet fat. But to continue the fun, you must befriend a certain someone on your floor. We will call him “Car Guy.”

Maybe you thought that RIT’s quarter-mile long campus (complete with an ice cream parlor and a pretend SportsCenter set) would provide you with all the entertainment you needed for five years. But Car Guy knew better. He knew that someday he might actually want to explore the great city of Rochester, with its museums, restaurants and depressing zoo (did you know polar bears can cry?) So, when he found out that freshman were allowed cars, he proudly parked his white Dodge Spirit in B-Lot, which is just outside of Albany.

If you learn to take advantage of Car Guy effectively, you could enjoy a (literal) free ride through RIT. Just follow these three handy tips (I call it Triple P) . . .

Don't Forget: Balance is Best

By Joe McLaughlin

Most things are fine in moderation, but some things don’t lend themselves to “just a little bit.” World of Warcraft is the perfect example. Keep gaming within sane limits. Leave time for schoolwork and interacting with real people. Don’t, however, lock yourself in your room and do nothing but calculus. Leave time for goofing off. After all, you’re in college. You’re never going to have another chance to duct tape a friend’s chair to the ceiling. (Hint: The chairs in the dorms take a roll and a half.) . . .


And Make Friends

Alan Gillis adds: If you click with some people, make more room for them in your life. College probably is your best opportunity to make life-long friends who share your interests and your ideas. Once they're on their career path you'll find that you're all still in the same ballpark. You could wind up helping them or being helped yourself. Especially if you're a risk taker and are going into a tough game like filmmaking where contacts are essential. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg became friends at UCLA where they made a pact to help each other. It worked.

Reporter's Distorter: Brain Humping On Campus

By Alan Gillis

If the Reporter delivers about the best in student journalism, candid, relevant and interesting, other papers often fail. Even their dirty laundry stories look fairly clean, often apologetic too if a few stains remain to sully the old school name. Not at the Reporter. Why the Reporter will invent dirty laundry if it needs to, but that's for the annual April Fools Issue, the Distorter.

This year's Sexy Issue reached the limit of can-u-f******take-it, at least for RIT Admin, which pulled the magazine and closed down the Reporter's website for awhile. You can't find it anywhere except under the Editor's bed and Reporter Offices, but if you know where to look, there is now a secret website archive of a flip-through copy of Distorter 09.

It's not for the squeamish. Totally grossed-out humor on sex at its worst, but you get the same insane bits in your daily newspaper in small doses. They're brave at the Reporter, but they were slapped down hard for it. OK, Distorter 09 was trash, and it stunk, but it was also an attempt at satire. Still marginally better than Fellini's Satyricon, which wasn't very funny and made a lot of money. Fellini squeaked through in theaters along with Passolini that other Italian 30 years ago. Why not Distorter 09, an obvious First Amendment issue? Not that the case went anywhere either, not blazing freedom of speech for college kids. Imagine all the lawyers and the pain it would take to drag dirty Distorter 09 into court for a line-by-line dry cleaning. No your Honor, that horse in question was after the fact, from Oklahoma in USA Today.

For another more typical and less subversive Distorter there's last year's edition. Distorter 08, more your raunchy Animal House revisited: Sports Desk: Beer Pong, Bro! Can you re-rack that?

If there's a lesson here at RIT for Distorter fans or freshmen, its no flashing on campus, not even at the run through halftime at a Tigers' game. No Tigers, no streaking. When RIT's football team went 0-8-1 in 1977, the Tigers were permanently canceled for losing. One lousy year since 1922? Maybe some Distorters are still mad about it.

But there's hope. You can always join the Reporter staff for some laughs or your own college paper. If it stinks, all the more reason. They need you badly.

If you've graduated, here's Catch 22. You might have done everything right or wrong or half-way, but you won't know the results 'til later. By then you'll have your failure options open and a chance or two to screw up some more. About everybody's in the same boat in case you're worried. With a bit of luck you'll succeed in something or other.

It's not an overly pessimistic view according to both Joseph Heller and the better known, but ficticious Murphy of Murphy's Law. But they didn't invent the absurd. For all you non-English Majors, and some of those too who skipped classical allusions, you won't recall this 2500 year old Greek chestnut: "Call no man happy until he is dead." It's not the first citation of absurdity in human history, but you could Google back further and write a dissertation yourself if you're going nowhere on Punctuation in Middle English.

Sounds like a degree isn't much of a guarantee. Depends. Sure, Harvard beats Okiedokie Law School and even if you have no aptitude for law as a lawyer, it won't matter, except to your clients who'll never know that lousy lawyers graduate too from Harvard OMG. Always room for one more lawyer too. So there is a future at least in prestigious degrees and the Bar. Make that a Whisky Bar.

If you're in a serious quandary about what to do now, I beg your pardon. I've been there myself. Oddly I never got any good advice either. Of course good advice can be wrong, so luckily I didn't have to go through that. Bad advice was the big thing. It was everywhere.

The best bad advice I ever got at university was from three profs who independently agreed that there was no future in teaching as the competition was fierce, openings few, and even if you got in, tenure would probably be dangled forever like a carrot, leading you deeper and deeper into the infernal muck of extremely petty university politics on campus and the equally absurd descent into a meaningless social life at home, entertaining and toadying colleagues to death to score some points before you were dismissed for a trifle. Something downright Dickensian at best. They were right about a lot of moldy ivy colleges, but also very wrong to meddle in someone's future. What made it worse was they were all brilliant in their fields. Like Darwins telling you you had no future in Evolution.



So stick to your guns if you're still aiming for a teaching position or anything else of value to yourself. Ask around. Maybe you'll get some good advice. Not from people with a professional and sometimes secret egomania. They can do it. Nobody else can. Now with the economic meltdown, you'll probably hear the same thing from everybody. Don't waste your time trying to get a faculty position or a fellowship. Better odds with Powerball.

On the practical side you should have some passion and aptitude for your chosen field, beyond a high GPA. Here's where Oprah's Gut Feeling might make sense.

But most of you with your first degree are wondering what to do next, not sure you've landed in the right ballpark or in the right team. A BA or BSc doesn't open many doors. It opens personal ones at least, so there's always value in education even if no one else sees it.

Going on to a higher degree would seem best if you can. This I'd say is foolproof. You're bound to win as you've already got a minor degree in beating the system. Here too you might be able to change or refine your career focus. A complete change of direction is only for the brave. To go from Arts to Medicine via another Bachelor's Degree and wing it for another decade is OK if you're sure you're going to win the Nobel too.

But should you? If you're a nerd, get all the credentials you can. You'll need them. You might even grow out of this phase by working hard or at least convince everybody that you're some kind of genius. It could backfire if you go for multiple PhDs. Then the truth will probably come out, that you're a professional nerd. There's a nervous breakdown hazard too. A nerd space develops.

If you're happy-go-lucky and lucky to boot, there's not much you can't do if you've got some talent and ambition. In any field these are the people who make it. And they make it look easy. But if you want to be a rocket scientist you need a Master's at least. For an artist you can do just about anything as long as you produce. There are some rules.



If you're still not sure what you want to do, then play it safe and stay in school, but browse around and sit in on other classes you're curious about, until you hit something great. It's a U Turn that might work. If you're in a big rut it might be your school or the people you hang out with. Take a higher degree where you want to be, like trading the snowbelt for California.

Packing in education for awhile, to get a job or travel and get back in school later, is also better left to the brave.

Easy to get sidetracked if you can get a decent job by falling into the standard routine of making a living and going into more debt to make yourself comfortable, to reward yourself for working. Often a fatal career move, but if you're lucky you could discover something worth doing and do it. Here you'll be making it on your own. You're bound to get little encouragement and help if you're not so lucky. Your best chances are counting on the family fortune or the family spa business you can take over just in case. If not, you might wind up married with kids before you know it, and slaving away to make it work.

If you are working you'll be the junior and that means everybody will try to steal your ideas and get the credit for your work. Watch out for mentors who say they'll keep you under their wing. Nowadays they'll use you like the bosses you hate, but you won't know it 'til it's too late. Of course there are exceptions, but if you're not as astute as some writers of fiction, you'll be embarrassed at how gullible you can be.

Odds are if you leave school you're not going back, so think about it carefully. If it's too difficult to continue your education for financial or other reasons, then you could make something of your future if you're entrepreneurial or a budding impresario who can manage people and get them to work for themselves and you. Otherwise it's likely to be a 9-5 world.

Then there are those who are tired of school and want a break. See the world while they can. For dilettantes or artists, travel's a good way to find out where you stand. Others might fall in love with the Grape and go into viticulture. History comes alive when you travel and you could find that magic place and period that fills you with wonder. Architecture is best lived too in some fabled old city. If all you know is your own backyard you're likely not to have been exposed to much beyond a dry museum culture. The decaying beauty of Ancient Rome is still in Rome and could inspire you to be a conservationist, a restorer of antiquities, an antiques dealer or historian, maybe a romance novelist or why not an architect? Travel is about discovery.

The trick though about travel is if you save your money for that, you might not go if you have to work for it. Thousands in the bank. Should you go or spend it on an Alfa Romeo Spider? On an extreme makeover? If you want to breeze through Europe or check out some other fantasy for a few months it's expensive and exhausting. It's worth it in the end, but consider working abroad. In a lot of places you can teach English if you have a degree and the easy to get before you go TOEFL certificate. If you don't have these two, you'll be stuck on starvation wages tutoring and washing dishes.

So you've got options. Take one and investigate it first. Make a move when you get that gut feeling.

--Alan Gillis

You’ve had your power shower, you’ve been drinking under the nose of your RA, you’re all dolled up and ready for your first big night on the town in Wellington…the only question remains: where to go? Never fear newbie first years! Mistress Mayhem and her merry mob of mischief makers did the hard yards in ‘08 to make sure that you wouldn’t have to


By Mistress Mayhem
Published: February 23, 2009

We’ve compiled a list of options, depending on what your goal for the night is. Read on, little kiddies and soon you too can be flashing your ID at the kind and genteel gatekeepers of some of the most fun you’ll ever have…in first year.

Where to get crunk

A certain group (okay, all) of you will have one aim and one aim only (even if it looks like you’re stumbling towards three or four) and that is to get drunk. While Mistress Mayhem doesn’t condone the overconsumption of liquor, she understands that some of you will have only just severed the apron strings and are looking to cut loose a little bit more. So, in the interests of full disclosure, the best places to consume the most booze in the least amount of time for the least amount of student loan dollars are . . . --NewsHammer 2/28/2009

Continue reading the Feb 23, 2009 article from Victoria University of Wellington's Salient.

The idea that the stimulus package is akin to the New Deal is bad logic and bad history

By Tim Murphy
Published: February 6, 2009


If Sunday was any indication, the United States will be completely out of money—and cufflinks—sometime in the next six months. Employment agencies broke open their piggy banks to buy prime Super Bowl air time, where they spoke directly to America’s fastest growing demographic: the unemployed. Meanwhile, a previously unknown company called “Cash 4 Gold” (which in addition to being a great name for a rap album, hired MC Hammer to pitch its wares), invited viewers to send in their favorite family heirlooms for a quick cash payout.

But as the economy continues its steady decline toward bartering and petty theft, the last few months have brought about a bull market in the oddest of fields: historical revisionism.

First, in Virginia, curators at Mount Vernon have put a new painting of a younger, less frumpy Martha Washington on display, after forensic analysis revealed that, in her earlier years at least, Martha was actually kind of smoking. While there’s of course nothing wrong with a First Lady who bears a striking resemblance to the Michelin man—as the old portraits depicted her—the new image suggests that General Washington didn’t just marry her for her needlework. --NewsHammer 2/06/2009

Continue reading the Feb 6, 2009 article from the University of Chicago's Chicago Maroon

One Canadian's journey Through the Looking Glass and into the world of American partisan politics

By Tarik Chelali

Published: January 27, 2009

Like many of you, I woke up early January 20, 2009. The date has been etched into my mind for a few months now. It is the day an idol and an inspir­ing figure would begin his new­est journey. Barack Obama and I are not brothers, although a few of my friends say we look alike. Nor is he my president—I hold three passports, none of which are dark blue with a bald eagle on the cover. But, it is fair to say we share a few things in common.

Like President Obama, my ancestry lies in the heart of Af­rica. My father was born at the doors of the Sahara desert in a north African village in Algeria. Like President Obama, I con­sider myself a veteran in the process of moving from house to house and neighbourhood to neighbourhood; until UBC, I had never been at a school for more than two years at a time. Most importantly, I share with President Obama the belief that citizens, and not their govern­ment, are accountable for the state of their nation.

It is under this paradigm and with a flurry of enthusiasm that I took a trip to visit New Hamp­shire Democrats the weekend before Senator Obama became President-elect Obama.

On exchange to McGill Uni­versity from September to De­cember of this year, I joined the campus Democrats club. The club, which was mostly made up of Canadian students, orga­nized weekly trips to a variety of Democratic campaign offices throughout the Northeastern states. My group and I went to Claremont, New Hampshire and did everything we could to get these white people to vote blue.

I found myself in Claremont waving my arms with a sign that read “Red Sox Fans for Obama.” On the busy boule­vards, drivers honked, yelled or called me a nigger. Later on, I phoned old ladies only to hear them hang-up, cry with joy or complain that we had called them six times in three days. I knocked on enough doors to learn when to back down from seemingly evil Republicans and their small but vicious poodles. Claremont gave me a slew of photos for Facebook and a win­dow into the AmericanDream. --NewsHammer 1/28/2009

Continue reading the Jan 27, 2009 article from the University of British Columbia's The Ubyssey.